Tired of spending your days babysitting sweaty criminals? Overheard one too many emasculating screams after lockdown? Ditch those polyester pants and nightstick now! After the overwhelming success of “Be Kanye West” the culture vultures bring you the next breakthrough in their life-changing series: “Be Rick Ross.”
Being Rick Ross is the perfect way to shake those prison blues. Not only will these little pills give you the look and swagger of a boss, you will be given enough credibility to take the name of a real drug dealer and have no one question you. The best part? No more cavity searches!
Just dissolve two fast acting pills in your favorite energy drink (Pimp Juice works best) and drink immediately. For best results sit in front of the TV watching BET. Any show will do. Once you feel the beard cover those extra chins and that cherubic smile, apply the shades, the bigger the better. They will make it so you never have to look the people you’re fooling in the eye. They’ll never know!
Once you’ve got the world believing your story throw your weight around—literally. Pose for magazines topless with your belly protruding. Lay in bed half-naked with beautiful women. People will flock to you because confidence is sexy. Before you know it deaf rappers with ill nana will date you just to get people talking about them again. Jay-Z will envy your songs just enough to rap on them, but he’ll be too shook to be seen with you in the video. Freeway will make songs saying “those rappers with big beards ain’t me” and then ask to be on your album! That’s when you know you’re a boss!
*The first ten callers will get the Akon “I Really Went To Jail” pill absolutely free! Don’t just be the C.O., be the inmate you’ve always feared and exact your revenge.
So don’t waste another a minute because you have a whole other life to begin. Be your own boss, be Rick Ross!